Blogbert – An aspiring Gamedev's musings

It’s only been two days and I’m here to angrypost. This one is going to be a bit different than the last one because this is a topic best discussed when my blood is boiling and every frustration can be voiced with the power of a thousand screaming frogs. All caps ahoy.

It began 30 minutes ago when I watched a sketch video from Daniel Thrasher through, ironically, procrastination. Not sure how I got there but some stray thing in my unconscious decided that was the way to spend my time – his videos are good so I’m inclined to agree. The video was this:

This post was a long time coming, foreshadowed from once before. Assuming you’ve watched the video, I’m gonna get into it now.

FIRST OF ALL, what does the term ‘GIFTED’ even fucking mean!? I’m fairly certain that it’s the label that every unknowing adult decided to use that has simply been adopted by the people who continue to be afflicted by it. but it DOEEESN’T HEELP. Believing oneself to be ‘gifted’ as a core part of identity is part of the fucking problem, and it enrages me that, despite all attempt to say this is ADHD or something else, this is different, and there is literally NO OTHER TEERM I can use to describe this experience other than ‘gifted’.

It makes it sound like every time I discuss this whole thing, it’s some kind of ego trip, instead of the much more crushing reality of inescapable uselessness. And I very much don’t want to be pulled into the idea of grasping to an old legacy as if it justifies my failings of the present, in which referring to myself as ‘gifted’ doesn’t help. I am unfortunately continually aware of how my arrogant self-perception is somewhat unchangeably affected by past encouragement.

Of course, this raises the idea that I’d do better to forget about it altogether, stop talking about it, stop thinking about it, and just move on like a normal person, because I am no different and no more special than anyone else. EXCEPT that the SAAAME SHIT keeeeps fucking happening, and it hasn’t stopped, and the only place that I can ever slightly confront and understand whatever this is exists only within the bounds of ‘gifted’. 

Okay, that’s enough obsessive hatred and discontent with revolving around that word, time to discuss the other stuff that set me off.

It’s not just the extremely accurate and hyperspecific nature of the funny but stupid sketch video, but the comments of hundreds who share my exact same experience in so many facets, whether its fixation with exact time multiples of 5, narrowly pulling something off in the eleventh hour every time, knowing that you keep being rewarded for the same shit like a huge grade-achieving fraud, and feeling proud, elated and sickened of it every time.

Of course, I’ve loooong been aware that this is widely shared and of no particular uniqueness, and this anger isn’t just at a bunch of YouTube comments. It’s the reminder that despite all attempts at volition and decision, this cycle keeps repeating, with a majority of advice to simply ‘accept it’ and just go with the flow of doing it despite the negative effects. It’s like any hope to do better is just entirely futile.

I’ve attempted and succeeded at early study in sixth form and previous university modules, followed the Pomodoro technique, and taken up hobbies that take time investment like baking and Piano in an active quest to counteract this for a long time… aaaaand it still happens. I know that I can’t expect it to magically phase out, but it’s the continued reliance on it that I find frustrating, like any other effort doesn’t do anything and I may as well sit on my ass until the moment that things click.

Welp, current university work of game development and dissertation remains, I suppose I’ll see how those go. Maybe it won’t work this time, maybe it will. Either way, after observing the flaws of both this last-minute habit and my attempts to work against it, I’m not exactly satisfied with either, but for now it has been successful and I haven’t had to learn otherwise. Hooopefully I’ll figure all that out in due time.

I’ll consider this silly angrypost finished. It’s obviously a bit strange to complain about constantly getting away with success in the last moment, but the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I’m frankly very eager to finish with education, academic success has always been a load of bullshit in my opinion… though as this YouTube sketch displays, I expect the same patterns exist in work too.

Aaaas always, leave a comment if you have any thoughts or similar/different experiences to share with doing work biz. Be back soon o7.

It’s been a hot minute. “I’ll do another blog post soon” he says, only to leave this poor website bereft of yap for half a year. The beginning of my 3rd year at University might be somewhat related to this long absence, and like any university student, I’ve been busy.

And yet, it’s always rad to have this place to record my rambles, of which I have gotten the long-overdue itch to do so again. The archived thoughts of this blog help to make sense of the chaotic moment-to-moment experience we call time, of which can be extremely difficult to keep track of. This notion of blurred time, where long periods of the past blend together into mush of miscellaneous meaning, is my first topic for this post… so let’s get into it!

Since September, I’ve started and finished several university modules, including the Pre-production phase of game development, a proposal for my dissertation, and the completion of a graphical effect using OpenGL, which I can barely even remember the name of. I’ve also started a martial art called Kendo, and also stopped doing Kendo for a month (with intent to continue in the long-term). I’ve gone clubbing for the first and second time of my life, which I can confirm is exceedingly fun as the teetotaller that I am, and have continued with several threads of baking, learning new piano pieces, fashion exploration, hanging out with friends, and of course, various chaotic phases of emotional and psychological exploration in my ever-continuing quest of closure and understanding of all mindful things.

This is a threat.

My graphical thingy. I simulated a bunch of orange orbs (attractors) to form masses comprised of attracting forces, and then transformed/broke them apart via blue orbs (repulsors). Simple but coool.

A live jazz band, fuckin sickest coolest ever clubbing experience. I was complimented on my dancing by the band, mostly attributed to being sober and a massive tryhard at everything, including dancing.

From science-themed versus arcade, to 2.5D narrative platformer, to isometric hack ‘n’ slash, and now in the present day, top-down 1-4 player cooperative horror. Game development has been fun, and I couldn’t do it without my teams. I’ve still got alot to improve, more on that later.

With my dissertation and the Production phase of game development still continuing, there remains no break in the process of it all. Everything that has started or ended, as well as their resultant meanings, blend together into a blurred vignette of vast contrast and fleeting moments of interpretation. These moments when ‘things make sense’ is somehow always uncompromised with any other interpretation, and always defined by surrounding oceans of chaotic time, in which every passing second is uncaring of those that come before or after.

Of course, as has been the case before, I expect the point at which this blur of time is painted with shape, distinction and neatly framed with an overall resultant meaning will be at the end of university, allowing it to join the gallery of memories alongside the ‘2010 Michael Jackson Phase’ and ‘Whatever The Hell 2020-2021 Was’.

I believe that these distinct paintings of experience and identity are the only ways to contextualise existence as anything beyond being an animal in the present moment, in which it is exceedingly easy to be an animal who doesn’t post anything on their blog in 6 months. To be ‘stuck’ in the blur of time – attempting to paint meaning whilst desperately waiting for the moment that it forms a cohesive picture – is a difficult limbo to be in, especially when you need to find meanings within the unfinished blur to finish it in the way you want to. It’s even more difficult if you don’t have any promise to when that moment of closure will come.

Metaphors aside, I think it can take time for your experiences to integrate into your identity in a way that constitutes recallable and consistent growth, and until it does, it can be difficult to change in the ways you want to. Often this creates a desire for the lessons of recent months to have been encapsulated within previous periods of closure, however, hindsight is a bitch, and often all one can do is to keep moving forward and making the mistakes that you’ll make, until eventually you’re a you that doesn’t make those mistakes.

Or at least, that’s one theory. There’s a different mindset, one that can allow for rapid changes of identity without the lengthy requirements of closure. Whether it coexists with the idea of natural growth or defies it altogether, I’m not too sure yet. This mindset is decision.

It is defined by choosing who you want to be, and making that decision a reality through proactive and conscious action. It holds the belief that identity is only a thing of the present moment, and relies only on immediate action instead of the continuum of time. Through decision, you have complete control over every passing moment… and is consequently the reason for writing this blog post, alongside a greater depth of things.

This is where I’m gonna get a bit more personal and go into that depth, ye be warned.

Over an extended period of time, I’ve royally screwed up and let down my game team in a lot of ways, with the past couple of weeks being certainly no exception. A lack of consideration for others, a knack for convenient lies and carefree averseness to upholding responsibility have been natural inclinations towards ruin, alongside the poorly unmanaged loops of ADHD.

And yet during few short periods, including just last week, I have done the right things and sufficiently ‘improved’ through making the achievable decision to, and it’s made a positive impact. To be completely honest, I’ve found it easy to do the right things when I chose to.

It’s strange, because every time that I’ve negatively impacted the team, I’ve never felt any inherent guilt or remorse for it. Feeling bad for things hasn’t ever been a motivator to change, and I’ve explored so many possibilities where I could burn every bridge and be absolutely okay with it. I find it kinda scary, as the absence of whatever feeling would ideally be there prevents unconscious separation between good and bad consequences, with every result blending together into a neutral and carefree mush of no difference.

Despite how arbitrary or calculated it is, I’ve made decisions about who I wanted to be, and allowed myself to do good by doing so. I’m honestly not too sure why I decided that without an inherent motivator, but it’s a pattern that’s always existed, back to being repeatedly called ‘polite’ by many adults/teachers when I was young. My suspicion is that I understood how to earn the transactional social currency that allowed me to get away with stuff, and that I knew trust and charm were useful. To be honest, I’m not sure if that’s the only truth though.

With this in mind, I’ve come to wonder if my previously mentioned ideals of inherent self-improvement are complete bullshit, because I don’t think I’ve ever once felt a change in what I find natural. Irresponsibility and not considering others as unconscious tendencies have always remained, all that’s changed is my knowledge of right and wrong, and the willingness to make decisions to follow that moral compass.

It may be the case for most that being a good person doesn’t come freely.

And yet, continually and consciously making and fulfilling these decisions is fucking exhausting. It’s like a permanent job to not say all the tangled-up thoughts in my brain, or to be constantly considerate of others. I had hoped these conscious practices would slip into the unconscious, but they never have, requiring me to uphold more decisions about who I want to be in the face of increasing responsibility.

Eventually, I just need to blow off steam. For my whole life, I’ve always ripped off leaves and branches from stray plants as an outlet for this. I get a kick out of destroying things that I don’t have to care about, and I try to do so without affecting others.

Inevitably, if I don’t have enough outlets and become overburdened by the exhaustion of decision, then this occurs with things that are important. This is especially the case for overwhelming times like university, where its easy to enter an instinctual ‘survival mode’. The moments of freedom from being who I decide to be has to be, ironically, chosen carefully.

Okay, ramble over heheh. As a bit of reflection and a continuation of my interest in psychology, it’s probably worth mentioning ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder). It’s heavily-stigmatized, and after learning more about the actual experience of it, I definitely find a lot of personal relation. However, it’s not really something I’ve found worth lingering on beyond an acknowledgement of similar internal disconnection and a general interest.

And as for whether natural internal growth exists, I do think so, but it definitely has limits. One of my concerns is how easy it is to forget about details within blurred time, either through unconscious accident or exclusion of what is inconvenient to identity. To this extent, I think that all closure is afflicted by bias, and I worry that alot of what I’ve experienced this year will be minimised or excluded in favour of an optimistic framing that depicts an idealised version of growth, and supports an identity more convenient than the truth.

Similarly with making decisions of identity, it’s very possible to make bad decisions. Attempting to overcompensate and overreach beyond what is achievable can do more harm than going by instinct and making no decisions at all. As I’ve continually found, traits associated with ADHD are often unconsidered limits to what I promise to be, and I’d do better to make peace with that and compromise my optimism with struggles of productivity.

That about concludes my thoughts for this post. Busy times are ahead, and I can make no promises for the animal I might be in the process of it all, but I’m sure I’ll have something to talk about here before another 6 months pass :P.

As always, leave anything in the comments below! It’s a strange topic, but I’m interested in what your experience of these notions of time and identity might be, if you’d like to share :).

Hello helloo, I return once more for a tangential spiel of loosely-devised conclusions from messy ruminations. This is especially enhanced after the wonderful opportunity of THERAPY (wahoo!!!!), which I have been really extremely fortunate enough to be supplied for a little time. With still some sessions to go, I feel collected enough currently to babble.

As for other activities… I’ve just been working alot. 3-11am has been an interesting shift time to work with, but the long periods of quiet are nice times for thought.

Despite my very superficial plights, it has been surprisingly helpful in uncovering elusive connections, and altogether providing a greater clarity on just how everything works. Human psychology is a strange inverse pyramid, comparable to following the path of a tree from its branches to its roots. I think there is often a small collection of things at the root of many consequences and forms of expression. Much smaller than you’d expect. 

For the moment, I’ve called these things lumps of psychology.

They have more official names, most often ‘Disorders’ in my research, but I feel that discredits the nature of these lumps – a collection of inextricably linked parts of psychology that cannot be isolated, and often forms with and relies on other parts, forming… a lump. Inevitably, this is probably how the human brain works in every facet of function.

I think alot of people feel uncomfortable discussing or alluding to these lumps openly, as it can be very revealing. On the contrary, I have a fascination with psychology as a personal interest, and find it wonderfully strange how these patterns simply… exist. So I will speak openly about these awesomely weird patterns I’ve received awareness of, relevant to myself.

SURPRISE INTERMISSION!! I LIED when I said I was just working! I’ve been making a CUSTOM TTRPG SHEET!!!! … and form-fillable PDFs are a pain to make. 

First of all, ADHD and Autism – two monolithic and extremely varied lumps. Well known for a long time, if undiagnosed, and considered ‘not an impediment’ for far too long. That stubborn self-perception would eventually fade, as I’d realise how defining both of them really are. Also, how poorly expressed and misunderstood they can be, mostly by medical sources.

A lot of people, like me, look at traits of ADHD or Autism online and think ‘That’s kinda like me’, and a few things make sense. With our generation’s increased awareness of neurodivergence, there are also more specific traits of neurodiversity that are known and often shared in videos, such as executive dysfunction. Seeing that talked about and linking it to our own experiences also helps develop a more complete picture.

That said, I can’t help but feel like most information I’ve seen about the psychological lumps of neurodiversity are superficial in it’s presentation, most of all being medical sources. There may be deeper elements of neurodiversity that are left unspoken by people in online neurodiverse spaces, but I’d consider a lot of what they share to be superficial too. What has piqued my interest and revealed the most to me lie in proposed psychological models and theories. Patterns that are not embraced by medical diagnosis, but seem to exist nonetheless.

The two I’ve found personally highly relevant include PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), linked to Autism and RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Disorder), linked to ADHD. The capacity for these lumps to describe intensely specific parts of myself, to the point of acting as explanations of my character, has been immensely intriguing. Especially for PDA.

“Surface sociability + no sense of social identity? Obsessive behaviour? COMFORTABLE IN ROLEPLAY?? THIS IS JUST ME!!” – Robert, a few days ago.

Okay that last caption had the underlying cringe of a 12 year-old’s YouTube comment, but seriously, its disturbing how these psychological models exist so accurately.

And RSD. There are parts I consider less accurate, but its main aspects are strongly felt. ‘Turning inwards’ has certainly been a particular pattern of late.

Apologies for the reading homework, though I have some hope that with my significant number of similarly neurodiverse friends, some of you reading this might have personal reason to know more. Or maybe you already know of these ‘lumps’ of stuff, and I’m a little slow on the journey of learning due to my long period of stubbornly rejecting my issues.

There’s a final thing – the concept of ‘Twice Exceptional‘, though I have my issues with it. Supposedly it’s when the factors of ‘gifted’ and ‘possessing a learning or developmental disability’ align, creating a specific experience from how they collide.

What I cannot understand is the term ‘Gifted’, or ‘Bright’ or whatever is used. It doesn’t mean anything real, and I don’t believe that ‘intelligence’ is nearly as simple as that. Moreso, I hate its social effect of separating the minds of children into simplified categories and ignoring their actual character, most of all in school. Even when I was young, I hated that there was a ‘top table’ and a ‘bottom table’ and just everything about different treatment.

I’ll save that rage-fuelled tangent for another time. What I can’t deny is that I was identified as ‘Gifted/bright’ (WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS) when I was young, and persisted in the ‘top bracket’ of education throughout school. I also can’t deny the relation of the specific details of what ‘Twice exceptional’ individuals typically experience, although my neurodiversity was certainly overshadowed or otherwise unprioritized. It endlessly frustrates me that other neurodiverse people get trampled by the shitstorm of school. It’s a system I’d like to change.

I’ll agree with creativity, curiosity and imagination, but I’ll just mark the rest as ‘using big words to trick adults into compliments’ for other strengths.

So, does any of this information really matter? Defining yourself by a collection of foundational psychological lumps does not make for a very satisfying definition, and strips away much of your character. These things ignore nuance and growth. Personality is frankly far too multifaceted to be given any definition.

And yet, there is a certain certainty that comes with this knowledge, which for someone as ‘in their own head’ as I can be, helps see things clearer. I’m sure many others who live their life more simply and straightforward can continue without the need to know, but I don’t think that was ever a choice for me – the thought stream persists. And besides, psychology is fun.

As for what that clarity has revealed, I’ll say briefly that the matter of self-respect will be something to practice. Seeing the body as more than just a vessel to endure whatever you need it to in the pursuit of your goals, and recognising the impact that practicing it has, can be especially difficult when lacking self-respect can be so convenient. Especially when you want to achieve, where your worldly limitations can simply be ignored.

Even though lacking self-respect and disconnecting your mind from your body can be leveraged to ‘protect’ others, it also breeds a certain kind of social disconnection when you disassociate yourself like that. This has been sufficient motivation to attempt otherwise.

Okay, psychological deep dive over! Thank you for enduring the Robert babble™, though I will wishfully hope that my yapping presents at least a little food for thought for any other big-time overthinkers. Perhaps some insights could be posted in the comments below…?

Hehehe. Next post will probably be about game development stuff, specifically the discipline of production. The 3rd university year looms excitingly closer, and I have far too much passion to keep my recent knowledge-quest hidden for long. See you then! o/

Hello there! This post will be a bit more devoid of deep ponderings and reflections, instead just a little note of recent activities and any associated thoughts. This is roughly the kind of pattern I plan to continue as well – spacing out the thought streams with some whimsy.

After my rather self-critical period of reflection, I deigned to ‘go with the flow’ a little more, and chose to embrace the raw experiences and ‘moments’ of summer. Allow myself to be content with present moments, that kind of thing. Thankfully, the sun got a little more confident and revealed itself.

So me and my house did a whole lot of beach, as the many following photos will express.

I watched boats on my friend’s balcony. For some reason, there was a live orchestra playing Pirates of the Caribbean nearby, which distracted me from any particularly deep reflection.

Kynance cove. When I was last here, the tide was in, such that we could swim to an unoccupied side of the beach. Alone and without our phones, it was an awesome experience.

That’s me! I’m not sure how I feel about only wearing shorts for my second photo on this blog, but it’s too cool to disregard. I have a fear of deep ocean water, so I felt proud to swim there.

Carrot cake! Baking is fun. I can’t go a week without carrot cake or banana bread nowadays.

And then kayaking! I love it so much. Me and my friend must’ve gone at least half a kilometre from the shore. Then the wind might’ve blown us half a kilometre further as we chilled out. Relaxing in a kayak in the deep blue of the ocean is such a lovely experience.

Finally, some beach reading after the kayak journey. Doing activities like this in unorthodox or new places makes it much more engaging and fun. I would like to do so again.

Okay, photo stream over.

So, three beach visits happened over three days, from Sunday to Tuesday. I may have also been working from 3-11am on Sunday and Tuesday. And at some point during the time, I managed to catch some sleep. Frankly, I’m not quite sure how I made it all work, but what I do know is that I found those three days really fun, from both an outwardly interactive perspective, and from an experiential and fulfilled ‘inner’ perspective.

Maybe its just the action of momentum and the flow of keeping busy, but I found myself excited for work, events of the day and even excited for sleep, when it was possible. I’m not someone who usually likes sleep for an array of reasons, but I was very much enjoying it as a disorganised spontaneity and natural consequence of energy, as opposed to a requirement of time in consistently spaced periods.

This time though, I wonder if ‘keeping busy’ like that is an ideal, or something to balance.

I’d compare it to the Japanese concept of ‘Mushin‘, meaning ‘No-mind’, described as the absence of being ‘stuck’ in thought in the action of something. Simply put, it is the state of instinct, flow and ‘being in the zone’, where you attune to what you are doing and naturally react or respond to any challenges without thought. If you’re an artist of any kind, including a game developer, you know what this is.

Mushin calligraphy… I lay my interest in Japanese mindful beliefs very bare to see.

This kind of state is incredibly powerful, and without even registering it, really enjoyable and fulfilling. Everything just makes sense, and whether it occurs in the process of game development or in an active flow of life, is extremely productive for doing whatever your instincts carry you towards.

When you eliminate all possibilities and focus on what is certain by rite of instinct, and devote time only to what is certain, theoretically you can remain in that state for a long time. Definitely much longer than three days. This is where I change my mind about the lack of ‘deep ponderings’, and ponder… is that happiness?

Based on my experience, I would like to say yes, but I’m not sure if it’s that simple. It is advised health-wise to get regular amounts of sleep at the same time each day – a consistent sleep schedule. This is the opposite of what I experienced – sleeping as a natural response to daily events, for wildly different periods and times. I really enjoyed this, but it is still studied to be a negative thing and affect your ‘Cortisol’ levels, that kind of thing. 

And there’s another thing too. Recently, I’ve frustratingly lacked an ‘itch’. For at least a month, I haven’t felt motivated in the same way I’m used to feeling, and there hasn’t been that moment where I get the ‘itch’ to do something, creatively or otherwise. That moment where an idea strikes, with passion, motivation and action following. I’ve missed it.

I primed myself to ‘explode’ into action as soon as it did. But it hasn’t happened.

Coincidentally, I’ve been working for nearly a month now, and definitely pushed myself to pursue my goals for a period of time beforehand too. In the process, I devoted much of my mental space towards those goals, which is mental space (and time) which has been entirely filled for at least a month. Suffice to say, maybe it isn’t a coincidence, and that leaving that space empty, whilst still being open to thought, is necessary to receive that ‘itch’.

That’s also advised health-wise. To give yourself space and time, be easy on yourself, yada yada. Even so, I do not like to be idle-minded. Balancing out doing stuff with… not doing stuff? It makes sense, but is dissatisfying, especially with the goals I want to fulfil.

But that missing ‘itch’ is a very good argument to leave that space open, both in my physical schedules and my mental palace. It’s a chaotic and uncontrollable thing, and that motivation can be fickle, but I miss it nonetheless, and I’d like to give myself the opportunity to receive it. It seems an impossible task to clear enough space for something that doesn’t exist yet, but I’m willing to keep myself a little less busy to invite it to manifest, should it wish to.

Anyways, yapping aside, this blog post went into a little more depth than intended, hehe. What are some of your thoughts? Whether you’ve been keeping busy as well, or taking some time to relax, I’d like to hear.

Thank you for reading! Next blog post will arrive sometime in the next year, probably.

The date is the 25th of July, around halfway through the summer holidays before University begins again, and I’ve been thinking on the purpose of such a period. What it used to mean, what I’ve interpreted it as currently, and how I might’ve been wrong.

Back during primary and secondary school, I think almost everyone at that age tends to interpret it as freedom from school and the need to do anything associated with it. Whatever you couldn’t do during school, you’d do at summer. For me, a child who was fortunate enough to have a PC at 7, it was games. Minecraft, Bin weevils, Roblox, Moshi Monsters, TF2 and Game Dev Tycoon. When I was 10, it was Borderlands 2, Batman: Arkham City and Warframe. There was Beyblade, Bakugan, Lego and DS games like Pokemon too.

Game Dev Tycoon and Roblox seemed to be the first manifestations of my interest in game development. I probably won’t earn as much as 1.7B with any company I found.

I got pretty tired of playing alone though, and eventually stumbled into online friends, who were expectantly 3 years older than me, since not many my age played on PC. Through them, it became Garry’s Mod and modded Minecraft Servers. My summers became absorbed by games reflecting my present-day taste. Path of Exile, Dark souls 2 and Terraria (thanks Ivo). I still played Lego games on console and developed outside interests like reading comics, but I shifted away from my previous infatuation with Beyblade and such.

That is to say, at age 10, summers began to mean creating and overcoming challenges, and making progress on stuff. I barely ever felt challenged in Primary school, I was restless and desperate for something to occupy my brain. I learnt some Year 5 maths from my older sister at Year 2, and tried to teach my (very limited) understanding of E = mc^2 to my Year 4 classroom, but none of that really meant anything. I was still stuck.

Building in Minecraft and Roblox, beating difficult bosses and crafting meticulous character builds filled that void, and were immensely satisfying as creative and mental challenges. I’d like to think I grew from it, both creatively and in my ability to persevere, even if such things were ultimately useless in their result. What matters is that I felt that summer was the time to achieve stuff that I found meaningful, and to improve. I was too restless to relax.

A few symptoms of ADHD. Amidst associated sleep issues and some very specific traits, I should probably get it checked out. I’ll do a full post about this at some point.

Fast forward to University, where my time spent there is useful and challenging, pretty much everything I could want! It has been awesome, however, I have struggled to meet my expectations in the 2nd year. I have met the expectations of the University, with a 1st in every module in the 1st year and a majority of 1sts in the 2nd year, but I have not achieved the standard of work I wanted to in either of the game modules so far. And I don’t mean the games themselves, I’m very proud of them. I mean my own work ethic, and ability to create.

Looking ahead to the 3rd year, there is a final game project that takes place over the entire year, with greater flexibility in choosing your team and fostering ideas. With that in mind, I wanted a challenge that I could rise to. By attempting to achieve something difficult and persevering to do so, you improve immensely. So I decided that I wanted to use every opportunity to develop something more than just a ‘University Project’, a game that would be theoretically market-viable and could potentially turn into something more.

And that brings me to now, where there is a put-together team of 9 others who are REALLY COOL!!! Everyone is on-board with making this thing, and I am very excited. Equally, as the person presenting the original Vision, and as someone hugely interested in Production, teamworking culture and helping the team work effectively together, I also feel pressure. I don’t want to fail the team, and I want to be good enough to push the game forwards. My actions can affect how everyone feels about development, and I don’t want to pull that back.

Hanging out with friends in Norwich was a very good start to the summer.

So that brings me to this summer. After a visit to see friends, I wanted to spend it learning, practicing and improving to be the Robert I want to be for 3rd year. I also wanted to see if I could do game development whilst working a part-time job, and it just so happened that I would benefit from having more money for my interests. So it narrowed down to just three things. Work on a Game Project to improve general development skills, read to learn production, and work a job. That is what I wanted to achieve and improve at this summer.

And so far I have utterly failed due to the abstract concept of ‘losing track of myself’. Undisciplined shifting of priorities, unmanaged focus and the complete lack of proper motivation or an effective mindset, driven by wacky and unresolved emotions. Suffice to say, its a mess. I am now working the job, but it took weeks longer to secure than intended. I have done minimal work on the game project, and I’ve barely read anything. By the standards of even 10-year-old me, the summer has been a personal failure so far.

But I know that I’m restless, and that I’m always doing something, even if its not the right thing. From what I can tell, my time has been absorbed by thought, self-reflection and self-exploration. Instead of achieving my goals, I’ve been coming to emotional and personal realisations and decisions that, frankly, I can’t imagine going forwards to 3rd year without. I’ve still been improving. I’m just not where I was expecting myself to be.

So I wonder to myself, is that okay?

When 3rd year starts, I will be relied on by the team. It’s the same for every member, but it feels a bit different for someone overseeing the project. Even now, there are people that are relying on me that I’ve failed, which is not something I find easy to accept. From that perspective, I still have to be better and catch up to my expectations.

But I also recognise that I’ve still achieved something, if even its just the reflections of this blog post. And that failure, and learning from failure, is part of the process of improvement. It’s frustrating when that failure reflects on others, but if those others are accepting of it, then maybe those opportunities to improve should be embraced.

Regardless, there’s still two months of summer left before University begins, which is more than any school holiday. Even if I haven’t lived up to the accomplishment I associate with summer, there’s still a bunch of time to try. So I’ll work, read and do at least a little game development, and maybe fit in some more adventuring as well (I gotta go kayaking!!!)

One such adventure, when we accidentally stumbled onto a nudist beach (seen ahead in the photo). It wasn’t a very good beach, and not because of nudism.

It’s my last summer relative to education, where it means something more than the differences of the weather and sky, and I’d still like to look back on it fondly. Hindsight is a bitch, and I can’t truly know the consequences of misused time until they show signs in the future. It might be that attempting to pre-emptively imagine this hindsight just doesn’t work for me, and my confidently reckless and impulsive instincts have done me good so far.

So I’ll put a little more trust in those instincts. Hopefully it goes well :D

If you’ve read all the way to here, I’d like to know, what are your thoughts on summer? Or maybe just your experiences over this summer? Feel free to comment, if you so please.