It’s been a hot minute. “I’ll do another blog post soon” he says, only to leave this poor website bereft of yap for half a year. The beginning of my 3rd year at University might be somewhat related to this long absence, and like any university student, I’ve been busy.
And yet, it’s always rad to have this place to record my rambles, of which I have gotten the long-overdue itch to do so again. The archived thoughts of this blog help to make sense of the chaotic moment-to-moment experience we call time, of which can be extremely difficult to keep track of. This notion of blurred time, where long periods of the past blend together into mush of miscellaneous meaning, is my first topic for this post… so let’s get into it!
Since September, I’ve started and finished several university modules, including the Pre-production phase of game development, a proposal for my dissertation, and the completion of a graphical effect using OpenGL, which I can barely even remember the name of. I’ve also started a martial art called Kendo, and also stopped doing Kendo for a month (with intent to continue in the long-term). I’ve gone clubbing for the first and second time of my life, which I can confirm is exceedingly fun as the teetotaller that I am, and have continued with several threads of baking, learning new piano pieces, fashion exploration, hanging out with friends, and of course, various chaotic phases of emotional and psychological exploration in my ever-continuing quest of closure and understanding of all mindful things.
This is a threat.
My graphical thingy. I simulated a bunch of orange orbs (attractors) to form masses comprised of attracting forces, and then transformed/broke them apart via blue orbs (repulsors). Simple but coool.
A live jazz band, fuckin sickest coolest ever clubbing experience. I was complimented on my dancing by the band, mostly attributed to being sober and a massive tryhard at everything, including dancing.
From science-themed versus arcade, to 2.5D narrative platformer, to isometric hack ‘n’ slash, and now in the present day, top-down 1-4 player cooperative horror. Game development has been fun, and I couldn’t do it without my teams. I’ve still got alot to improve, more on that later.
With my dissertation and the Production phase of game development still continuing, there remains no break in the process of it all. Everything that has started or ended, as well as their resultant meanings, blend together into a blurred vignette of vast contrast and fleeting moments of interpretation. These moments when ‘things make sense’ is somehow always uncompromised with any other interpretation, and always defined by surrounding oceans of chaotic time, in which every passing second is uncaring of those that come before or after.
Of course, as has been the case before, I expect the point at which this blur of time is painted with shape, distinction and neatly framed with an overall resultant meaning will be at the end of university, allowing it to join the gallery of memories alongside the ‘2010 Michael Jackson Phase’ and ‘Whatever The Hell 2020-2021 Was’.
I believe that these distinct paintings of experience and identity are the only ways to contextualise existence as anything beyond being an animal in the present moment, in which it is exceedingly easy to be an animal who doesn’t post anything on their blog in 6 months. To be ‘stuck’ in the blur of time – attempting to paint meaning whilst desperately waiting for the moment that it forms a cohesive picture – is a difficult limbo to be in, especially when you need to find meanings within the unfinished blur to finish it in the way you want to. It’s even more difficult if you don’t have any promise to when that moment of closure will come.
Metaphors aside, I think it can take time for your experiences to integrate into your identity in a way that constitutes recallable and consistent growth, and until it does, it can be difficult to change in the ways you want to. Often this creates a desire for the lessons of recent months to have been encapsulated within previous periods of closure, however, hindsight is a bitch, and often all one can do is to keep moving forward and making the mistakes that you’ll make, until eventually you’re a you that doesn’t make those mistakes.
Or at least, that’s one theory. There’s a different mindset, one that can allow for rapid changes of identity without the lengthy requirements of closure. Whether it coexists with the idea of natural growth or defies it altogether, I’m not too sure yet. This mindset is decision.
It is defined by choosing who you want to be, and making that decision a reality through proactive and conscious action. It holds the belief that identity is only a thing of the present moment, and relies only on immediate action instead of the continuum of time. Through decision, you have complete control over every passing moment… and is consequently the reason for writing this blog post, alongside a greater depth of things.
This is where I’m gonna get a bit more personal and go into that depth, ye be warned.
Over an extended period of time, I’ve royally screwed up and let down my game team in a lot of ways, with the past couple of weeks being certainly no exception. A lack of consideration for others, a knack for convenient lies and carefree averseness to upholding responsibility have been natural inclinations towards ruin, alongside the poorly unmanaged loops of ADHD.
And yet during few short periods, including just last week, I have done the right things and sufficiently ‘improved’ through making the achievable decision to, and it’s made a positive impact. To be completely honest, I’ve found it easy to do the right things when I chose to.
It’s strange, because every time that I’ve negatively impacted the team, I’ve never felt any inherent guilt or remorse for it. Feeling bad for things hasn’t ever been a motivator to change, and I’ve explored so many possibilities where I could burn every bridge and be absolutely okay with it. I find it kinda scary, as the absence of whatever feeling would ideally be there prevents unconscious separation between good and bad consequences, with every result blending together into a neutral and carefree mush of no difference.
Despite how arbitrary or calculated it is, I’ve made decisions about who I wanted to be, and allowed myself to do good by doing so. I’m honestly not too sure why I decided that without an inherent motivator, but it’s a pattern that’s always existed, back to being repeatedly called ‘polite’ by many adults/teachers when I was young. My suspicion is that I understood how to earn the transactional social currency that allowed me to get away with stuff, and that I knew trust and charm were useful. To be honest, I’m not sure if that’s the only truth though.
With this in mind, I’ve come to wonder if my previously mentioned ideals of inherent self-improvement are complete bullshit, because I don’t think I’ve ever once felt a change in what I find natural. Irresponsibility and not considering others as unconscious tendencies have always remained, all that’s changed is my knowledge of right and wrong, and the willingness to make decisions to follow that moral compass.
It may be the case for most that being a good person doesn’t come freely.
And yet, continually and consciously making and fulfilling these decisions is fucking exhausting. It’s like a permanent job to not say all the tangled-up thoughts in my brain, or to be constantly considerate of others. I had hoped these conscious practices would slip into the unconscious, but they never have, requiring me to uphold more decisions about who I want to be in the face of increasing responsibility.
Eventually, I just need to blow off steam. For my whole life, I’ve always ripped off leaves and branches from stray plants as an outlet for this. I get a kick out of destroying things that I don’t have to care about, and I try to do so without affecting others.
Inevitably, if I don’t have enough outlets and become overburdened by the exhaustion of decision, then this occurs with things that are important. This is especially the case for overwhelming times like university, where its easy to enter an instinctual ‘survival mode’. The moments of freedom from being who I decide to be has to be, ironically, chosen carefully.
Okay, ramble over heheh. As a bit of reflection and a continuation of my interest in psychology, it’s probably worth mentioning ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder). It’s heavily-stigmatized, and after learning more about the actual experience of it, I definitely find a lot of personal relation. However, it’s not really something I’ve found worth lingering on beyond an acknowledgement of similar internal disconnection and a general interest.
And as for whether natural internal growth exists, I do think so, but it definitely has limits. One of my concerns is how easy it is to forget about details within blurred time, either through unconscious accident or exclusion of what is inconvenient to identity. To this extent, I think that all closure is afflicted by bias, and I worry that alot of what I’ve experienced this year will be minimised or excluded in favour of an optimistic framing that depicts an idealised version of growth, and supports an identity more convenient than the truth.
Similarly with making decisions of identity, it’s very possible to make bad decisions. Attempting to overcompensate and overreach beyond what is achievable can do more harm than going by instinct and making no decisions at all. As I’ve continually found, traits associated with ADHD are often unconsidered limits to what I promise to be, and I’d do better to make peace with that and compromise my optimism with struggles of productivity.
That about concludes my thoughts for this post. Busy times are ahead, and I can make no promises for the animal I might be in the process of it all, but I’m sure I’ll have something to talk about here before another 6 months pass :P.
As always, leave anything in the comments below! It’s a strange topic, but I’m interested in what your experience of these notions of time and identity might be, if you’d like to share :).
“We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others by their acts.” – Harold Nicolson
As someone on the other side of the metaphorical fence, I find your insight into your behaviour patterns to be enlightening on my own personal patterns. I struggle with the opposite to your troubles, instead of struggling to feel inherent guilt or remorse, I find that I excessively fixate on even the smallest of infractions. Even still, I don’t think it’s something that necessarily comes naturally to me, it’s simply an Ideal that is self-imposed on a sub-conscious level; likewise, I find it exhausting and it’s proven to be a major detriment to my life over the recent years.
That being said; I feel no regrets for feeling the way I do.
I particularly like your motif of the past, tearing leaves and breaking branches. I like it because in contrast to you, I’ve always delighted in running my hands along plants, even offering words of encouragement (I’m not a Disney Princess). I take particular joy in the simplistic acts of good, where there is no complexity to get lost in, no conflicting elements that have to be carefully mediated, just raw simplicity in it’s purest form.
A final rumination is the age old question of:
“Is it better to be a good natured person that has never felt any desire beyond that nature. Or is it better to be a person that actively decides to be good despite temptations to act differently?”
Which is truly the better person?
Thank you for thought-provoking blog Rob.
Ryan. (Still not a Disney Princess)
I must admit, simple good-natured acts without care for consequence, perception or maintenance of identity is very much like you Ryan heheh. It’s something I admire, and I’d like to follow after, if only as a decided pursuit of identity.
To that extent, I know the satisfaction from tearing leaves and breaking branches often comes from an enjoyment of doing things outside of the norm. Actions that are unusual and in rejection of expected standards, or otherwise uncommon and bewildering to others, fulfil something. The strangeness of your Disney Princess plantspeaking reminded me that even though going against the norm can result in destructive behaviour, I’ve also been able to fulfil that need through uncommonly good (though still confusing) actions.
Due to a general and continuous expectation of mundane decency, it’s quite difficult to find opportunities for unusual acts of good, and those acts can still be disconcerting because most don’t appreciate being surprised. Even so, I think there’s alot of merit in embracing strange expressions of kindness where possible, and it may be possible to grow into enjoying little things like plant kindness through the simple action of doing it.
As for your final rumination, I’m tempted to say that it’s an element of maturity for most people to adhere to conscious patterns of behaviour, and that my often avoidance of it as a responsibility is a part of the problem, in contrast to the many others who have their own internal issues and yet succeed in the ongoing discipline of choosing to do the right thing without complaint.
Suffice to say, I don’t think I have any greater merit for my decisions to do good, because it’s something that most others with their own problems already do without the inconsistency and large number of failures that I accumulate through stubborn and selfish rejection of that ‘permanent job’. Through that lens, it’s something I need to learn to live with as a part of life, and not to self-congratulate for hardly succeeding at.
It’s a bit of a generalisation, but this may be more about not acting like I’m 14 anymore, as opposed to differences in natural temperament. I’m frankly not too sure.
Nonetheless, the idea of doing good against unlikely odds is a good motivator to spite the exhaustion of it. Thank you very much for the comment, Disney Princess Ryan :P.