It’s only been two days and I’m here to angrypost. This one is going to be a bit different than the last one because this is a topic best discussed when my blood is boiling and every frustration can be voiced with the power of a thousand screaming frogs. All caps ahoy.
It began 30 minutes ago when I watched a sketch video from Daniel Thrasher through, ironically, procrastination. Not sure how I got there but some stray thing in my unconscious decided that was the way to spend my time – his videos are good so I’m inclined to agree. The video was this:
This post was a long time coming, foreshadowed from once before. Assuming you’ve watched the video, I’m gonna get into it now.
FIRST OF ALL, what does the term ‘GIFTED’ even fucking mean!? I’m fairly certain that it’s the label that every unknowing adult decided to use that has simply been adopted by the people who continue to be afflicted by it. but it DOEEESN’T HEELP. Believing oneself to be ‘gifted’ as a core part of identity is part of the fucking problem, and it enrages me that, despite all attempt to say this is ADHD or something else, this is different, and there is literally NO OTHER TEERM I can use to describe this experience other than ‘gifted’.
It makes it sound like every time I discuss this whole thing, it’s some kind of ego trip, instead of the much more crushing reality of inescapable uselessness. And I very much don’t want to be pulled into the idea of grasping to an old legacy as if it justifies my failings of the present, in which referring to myself as ‘gifted’ doesn’t help. I am unfortunately continually aware of how my arrogant self-perception is somewhat unchangeably affected by past encouragement.
Of course, this raises the idea that I’d do better to forget about it altogether, stop talking about it, stop thinking about it, and just move on like a normal person, because I am no different and no more special than anyone else. EXCEPT that the SAAAME SHIT keeeeps fucking happening, and it hasn’t stopped, and the only place that I can ever slightly confront and understand whatever this is exists only within the bounds of ‘gifted’.
Okay, that’s enough obsessive hatred and discontent with revolving around that word, time to discuss the other stuff that set me off.
It’s not just the extremely accurate and hyperspecific nature of the funny but stupid sketch video, but the comments of hundreds who share my exact same experience in so many facets, whether its fixation with exact time multiples of 5, narrowly pulling something off in the eleventh hour every time, knowing that you keep being rewarded for the same shit like a huge grade-achieving fraud, and feeling proud, elated and sickened of it every time.
Of course, I’ve loooong been aware that this is widely shared and of no particular uniqueness, and this anger isn’t just at a bunch of YouTube comments. It’s the reminder that despite all attempts at volition and decision, this cycle keeps repeating, with a majority of advice to simply ‘accept it’ and just go with the flow of doing it despite the negative effects. It’s like any hope to do better is just entirely futile.
I’ve attempted and succeeded at early study in sixth form and previous university modules, followed the Pomodoro technique, and taken up hobbies that take time investment like baking and Piano in an active quest to counteract this for a long time… aaaaand it still happens. I know that I can’t expect it to magically phase out, but it’s the continued reliance on it that I find frustrating, like any other effort doesn’t do anything and I may as well sit on my ass until the moment that things click.
Welp, current university work of game development and dissertation remains, I suppose I’ll see how those go. Maybe it won’t work this time, maybe it will. Either way, after observing the flaws of both this last-minute habit and my attempts to work against it, I’m not exactly satisfied with either, but for now it has been successful and I haven’t had to learn otherwise. Hooopefully I’ll figure all that out in due time.
I’ll consider this silly angrypost finished. It’s obviously a bit strange to complain about constantly getting away with success in the last moment, but the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I’m frankly very eager to finish with education, academic success has always been a load of bullshit in my opinion… though as this YouTube sketch displays, I expect the same patterns exist in work too.
Aaaas always, leave a comment if you have any thoughts or similar/different experiences to share with doing work biz. Be back soon o7.
