Lumps of Psychology

Hello helloo, I return once more for a tangential spiel of loosely-devised conclusions from messy ruminations. This is especially enhanced after the wonderful opportunity of THERAPY (wahoo!!!!), which I have been really extremely fortunate enough to be supplied for a little time. With still some sessions to go, I feel collected enough currently to babble.

As for other activities… I’ve just been working alot. 3-11am has been an interesting shift time to work with, but the long periods of quiet are nice times for thought.

Despite my very superficial plights, it has been surprisingly helpful in uncovering elusive connections, and altogether providing a greater clarity on just how everything works. Human psychology is a strange inverse pyramid, comparable to following the path of a tree from its branches to its roots. I think there is often a small collection of things at the root of many consequences and forms of expression. Much smaller than you’d expect. 

For the moment, I’ve called these things lumps of psychology.

They have more official names, most often ‘Disorders’ in my research, but I feel that discredits the nature of these lumps – a collection of inextricably linked parts of psychology that cannot be isolated, and often forms with and relies on other parts, forming… a lump. Inevitably, this is probably how the human brain works in every facet of function.

I think alot of people feel uncomfortable discussing or alluding to these lumps openly, as it can be very revealing. On the contrary, I have a fascination with psychology as a personal interest, and find it wonderfully strange how these patterns simply… exist. So I will speak openly about these awesomely weird patterns I’ve received awareness of, relevant to myself.

SURPRISE INTERMISSION!! I LIED when I said I was just working! I’ve been making a CUSTOM TTRPG SHEET!!!! … and form-fillable PDFs are a pain to make. 

First of all, ADHD and Autism – two monolithic and extremely varied lumps. Well known for a long time, if undiagnosed, and considered ‘not an impediment’ for far too long. That stubborn self-perception would eventually fade, as I’d realise how defining both of them really are. Also, how poorly expressed and misunderstood they can be, mostly by medical sources.

A lot of people, like me, look at traits of ADHD or Autism online and think ‘That’s kinda like me’, and a few things make sense. With our generation’s increased awareness of neurodivergence, there are also more specific traits of neurodiversity that are known and often shared in videos, such as executive dysfunction. Seeing that talked about and linking it to our own experiences also helps develop a more complete picture.

That said, I can’t help but feel like most information I’ve seen about the psychological lumps of neurodiversity are superficial in it’s presentation, most of all being medical sources. There may be deeper elements of neurodiversity that are left unspoken by people in online neurodiverse spaces, but I’d consider a lot of what they share to be superficial too. What has piqued my interest and revealed the most to me lie in proposed psychological models and theories. Patterns that are not embraced by medical diagnosis, but seem to exist nonetheless.

The two I’ve found personally highly relevant include PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), linked to Autism and RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Disorder), linked to ADHD. The capacity for these lumps to describe intensely specific parts of myself, to the point of acting as explanations of my character, has been immensely intriguing. Especially for PDA.

“Surface sociability + no sense of social identity? Obsessive behaviour? COMFORTABLE IN ROLEPLAY?? THIS IS JUST ME!!” – Robert, a few days ago.

Okay that last caption had the underlying cringe of a 12 year-old’s YouTube comment, but seriously, its disturbing how these psychological models exist so accurately.

And RSD. There are parts I consider less accurate, but its main aspects are strongly felt. ‘Turning inwards’ has certainly been a particular pattern of late.

Apologies for the reading homework, though I have some hope that with my significant number of similarly neurodiverse friends, some of you reading this might have personal reason to know more. Or maybe you already know of these ‘lumps’ of stuff, and I’m a little slow on the journey of learning due to my long period of stubbornly rejecting my issues.

There’s a final thing – the concept of ‘Twice Exceptional‘, though I have my issues with it. Supposedly it’s when the factors of ‘gifted’ and ‘possessing a learning or developmental disability’ align, creating a specific experience from how they collide.

What I cannot understand is the term ‘Gifted’, or ‘Bright’ or whatever is used. It doesn’t mean anything real, and I don’t believe that ‘intelligence’ is nearly as simple as that. Moreso, I hate its social effect of separating the minds of children into simplified categories and ignoring their actual character, most of all in school. Even when I was young, I hated that there was a ‘top table’ and a ‘bottom table’ and just everything about different treatment.

I’ll save that rage-fuelled tangent for another time. What I can’t deny is that I was identified as ‘Gifted/bright’ (WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS) when I was young, and persisted in the ‘top bracket’ of education throughout school. I also can’t deny the relation of the specific details of what ‘Twice exceptional’ individuals typically experience, although my neurodiversity was certainly overshadowed or otherwise unprioritized. It endlessly frustrates me that other neurodiverse people get trampled by the shitstorm of school. It’s a system I’d like to change.

I’ll agree with creativity, curiosity and imagination, but I’ll just mark the rest as ‘using big words to trick adults into compliments’ for other strengths.

So, does any of this information really matter? Defining yourself by a collection of foundational psychological lumps does not make for a very satisfying definition, and strips away much of your character. These things ignore nuance and growth. Personality is frankly far too multifaceted to be given any definition.

And yet, there is a certain certainty that comes with this knowledge, which for someone as ‘in their own head’ as I can be, helps see things clearer. I’m sure many others who live their life more simply and straightforward can continue without the need to know, but I don’t think that was ever a choice for me – the thought stream persists. And besides, psychology is fun.

As for what that clarity has revealed, I’ll say briefly that the matter of self-respect will be something to practice. Seeing the body as more than just a vessel to endure whatever you need it to in the pursuit of your goals, and recognising the impact that practicing it has, can be especially difficult when lacking self-respect can be so convenient. Especially when you want to achieve, where your worldly limitations can simply be ignored.

Even though lacking self-respect and disconnecting your mind from your body can be leveraged to ‘protect’ others, it also breeds a certain kind of social disconnection when you disassociate yourself like that. This has been sufficient motivation to attempt otherwise.

Okay, psychological deep dive over! Thank you for enduring the Robert babble™, though I will wishfully hope that my yapping presents at least a little food for thought for any other big-time overthinkers. Perhaps some insights could be posted in the comments below…?

Hehehe. Next post will probably be about game development stuff, specifically the discipline of production. The 3rd university year looms excitingly closer, and I have far too much passion to keep my recent knowledge-quest hidden for long. See you then! o/